Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Stop already.....

It's been a rough few weeks really. It feels like loads has happened and yet it feels like not a lot has happened all at the same time - don't know if that makes sense....

Oscar was "officially" diagnosed with ADHD....and I've been really happy and positive about it but then again I'm also really sad about it. I'm glad we've identified it, we can help him, he'll have a better shot than Rob did at school....but I also wish it wasn't true, that it wasn't the case - that I just had a "normal" kid. Though then again, Oscar was never going to be normal - he's exceptional is so many positive ways and I love every bit of him....but it's going to be hard for him. And I would spare him that.

I've been dodging getting a blood test all summer and finally pulled my finger out and did it and I probably have diabetes. I have to lose weight FAST and LOTS.....they are repeating the test but I'm sure with what it's going to show. I feel guilty - self inflicted illness. Wish I was "normal" too or had a normal relationship with food so I didn't have this problem.

My ankle still isn't fully healed (which is why I had the blood test in the first place). I can't swim. I need to find another exercise to help. I just feel fed up. I don't drink. I don't smoke. I do comfort eat and now I can't do that anymore. Life feels a bit grey and pleasureless. Again, I understand that this need to reward myself with food is the reason I'm here in the first place. I never said it made sense.

Maybe I should become a speed addict - steal Rob's ritalin......then I wouldn't want to eat, would be hyper and therefore lose weight....

Kidding. I'm kidding.

It just feels like a lot on my plate at the moment (why do I keep using food based analogy....)....Feel like I want to escape.....or stop....rewind

I don't know. I feel so BLAH. Just typing this feels silly though and please - I'm not looking for compliments or online lovely comments (it's why I didn't put it on Facebook). It's just been an awful lot in a short time. Ankle surgery that had complications. Husband and elder child diagnosed with ADHD. New job.

And I haven't really stopped to process it at all. Or given myself time to. And while I'm being relentlessly positive about it - trying to be - I think I often do that to stop myself thinking about it too much. Much as I see Oscar's diagnosis (and Rob's) as a good thing if I'm honest I'd rather be told it was a virus and they'd both be fine in a month. And I wish my ankle HADN'T gone septic and that I didn't have diabetes. I just feel overwhelmed with it all and I want to hide

My friend Liz reminded me tonight of the film Being John Malkovich - wish I could crawl in a space and be someone else for a while....not John Malkovich though. I think I'd like to be Lea Michele for a few weeks. Or Jane Lynch. Just not me.