Pushing to the limit

Oscar's behaviour this weekend has been beyond awful. Testing the boundaries? You betcha....

Yesterday started bad. Potty training - from hell. He shat himself. Which was unpleasant to say the least. But we just said never mind and carried on. Then he peed himself. Just after I'd asked him if he needed a wee. Then was having a tantrum, ran away from me and peed all over the stairs laughing as he did it and saying "look Mummy". It was impossible not to be cross - I know you're supposed to ignore the accidents but this didn't feel like an accident.

Then we went to Greenwich - Rob had to rehearse in the Planetarium and I (stupidly) thought it would be easy enough to sit in the cafe garden with the boys for an hour and Oz could play and i could sip tea and feed Toby. We'd met some friends there on Friday afternoon and Oz had had a great time playing on the grass with his little mate and we all sat and drank coffee.

Oh no. Oh no no no. Started off ok - Oz got talking to some other kids and played football with them. I fed Toby. Toby screamed cos he was tired and needed to go to sleep so I thought - a short walk up to the edge of the Observatory - there's a railing there with a fantastic view of London. Oz had his toy ride-on car with him - I thought that would keep him close to me. Oh how wrong I was. Oz took off - over the brow of the hill and down - on foot - leaving me with a large ride-on toy and a sleeping baby in a buggy. I couldn't take the buggy down the hill - it's steep and no path. What do I do? Oscar was getting further away and every time I shouted him to come back NOW he laughed. And carried on. I kept trying to ring Rob on his mobile but he was in the planetarium with no signal. I rang the main switchboard trying to get someone to get him. No joy. So what do I do?

Leave the baby and run after Oscar? Who'd then think it a fantastic game and run all the faster. He was already shrieking in laughter and running further down the hill. I couldn't see him anymore. It was awful.

Luckily another mum saw my predicament and ran after him. She herded him up the hill where he threw a massive tantrum. I had to drag him and the buggy and the car back to our car. Where I threw him in and stood outside shaking with anger and fear. Then I smelt shit. Again. So I had to get him out of the car and to the cafe with Toby in tow again obviously. He didn't want to go in. Threw himself on the floor. I practically dragged him in then remembered a dog lead I had in the boot. Mum had given it to me ages ago as the reins I had were too short - to clip on to them. So I put it round his wrist. At first he thought it was fun. Then he realised he couldn't get away from me. So more tantrums. On the floor.

All around me, middle class mummies looked on in horror. Not just at the screaming, stinky child at my feet, but at the dog lead. I got him to the toilet. And back to the car. At this point I was in tears. Then Rob rang saying "where are you?". Where am I....over the edge is where I was.

I was so angry and upset. We drove home in silence. Both the boys fell asleep. I went straight into the bedroom and tried to wind down. Toby woke up so I was downstairs feeding him and Mum rang - I was telling her what happened - said I was really angry and Rob started to comment how irrationally angry I had been. So we had a HUGE argument. Rob lost his temper in a way that I've only witnessed about 3 times in 11 years. Totally blew his stack - had this mad look in his eyes and went out into the garden and kicked a chair right over the trellis.

He felt I was angry at him and in a way I had been - angry that I couldn't get hold of him on the phone. That I had to cope with it on my own. But it wasn't really his fault. But I wanted him to understand how horrible it had been. He then proceeded to tell me how hard it is for him - getting Oz up and dressed and to nursery, working all day, coming home, bathing them both, putting Oz to bed, going to the shed and trying to relax but ending up working more on the laptop. I know he's amazing. He does so much and he's under so much pressure at work. He's even been worried that he'll lose his job if this launch doesn't go well (I think he's over-reacting on that one but if he's been worrying about it, it explains why he's been so distant recently).

I'm just exhausted. Plain and simple. Nearly 5 months of interrupted sleep. That'll do it to you. I may have over-reacted myself and been irrationally angry. I don't even recognise rational some days. I'm too tired. Toby and Oz seem to have a psychic link - they never sleep at the same time anymore. Toby's patterns are all over the place. So I can't sleep when they sleep cos they don't sleep at the same time - unless I'm in the car. Sleeping at the wheel? I don't think so.

So then the paranoia starts up again - should I put Toby on more of a routine. Should I be stronger in the middle of the night and NOT feed him, but do pickup putdown routine for a few hours and just deal with the tiredness the next day? Should I put him in his cot in the day and shut the door and let him scream until he does sleep at a time I want him to?

We sorted it out. As much as we can. This is the craziest time of our lives and I just want it to be over. Rob thinks I should stop breastfeeding. I think I want to too, although that makes me feel guilty. But Toby just WON'T take a bottle. Tried again today. No. He fights it. Screams. Spits it out, chokes on the milk. Won't have it at all. He's more stubborn than Oscar - it's unbelievable. The only way I can see him doing it is if I refuse to feed him and he's starving. I don't really think I can do that.

Today we were going swimming with Clare and James and I was really looking forward to it. Oscar was manic. Like he was on speed. Bouncing off the ceiling. Totally over-excited and irrational. You couldn't control him. We started using the lead in the house if he ran away and took it to the pool. He was on it a lot and he didn't like it. He wet himself twice this morning. He refused to eat lunch. He ran away a lot this afternoon and then shat himself again.

Some days you just want to say - ok you win. I give up. Here are the keys to the house and the car - I resign. I want to go quietly somewhere and sleep. Not be here anymore. I failed miserably at motherhood.

I want to go to bed and sleep now but some bastards are having a party in a house over the fence from us. Loud reggae music is blasting - it sounds like it's playing in my room and it isn't. LOUD. Banging bass and some fucking DJ rapping over the top. So even with earplugs I don't think I'd get any peace. The house looks like a pigsty. Everything is cluttered and filthy. I'd meant to tidy and clean this weekend. I meant to do so much this weekend. And nothing has been achieved. Except losing my sanity.

I'm dreading tomorrow. I'm dreading next week. Rob is working late 3 nights - his launch is on Tuesday. Mum is helping on Tuesday and Wednesday night but I'm on my own all day Thursday and bedtime. It's a bad day. One of those days when you hate your life.

Now don't all panic on me - please. (mum) I haven't got post natal depression. I'm not suicidal. I just had a really SHIT weekend. And I'm really tired. So my perspective is shot to shit. Just typing it all out here makes me feel better. And I'll probably read it tomorrow and think "you drama queen". But it's how I feel at the moment.