Unrelenting

My life still feels chaotic and out of control. I have to vent about it so if you don't want to read a list of whining, press "back" on your browser and go somewhere else. This is purely to get it out of my head and onto "paper"

• Had some major drama to deal with that I can't write about here, but it broke my heart and has left me a bit lost.

• I finally got the dressing off my foot but also found out that I have got Type 2 diabetes. The wound may have healed but the ligaments haven't - it's awful - sometimes I put my foot on the floor and it's so utterly painful, I can hardly walk. Feels like a leg cramp but up the sides of my ankle. Other times it's fine. It's worse if I've been sat down for a long time or first thing in the morning. It's a horrible feeling every morning, being scared to stand up in case you hobble in pain.....

• The exhaust is falling off my car. And it might cost me £300 tomorrow to get it fixed and I don't have it.

• My printer is broken and I can't afford to replace it.

• I haven't got any christmas presents bought yet.

• We've got an appointment tomorrow to talk about medicating Oscar and I'm swinging and roundabouting about how I feel. I was very pro- trying it but now I'm not sure. I don't want to be pressured by the school. I found out this weekend that he's actually on the top reading level in his class - the white books. I didn't know which colour was top (didn't really care) but someone was asking me how he was doing and they were surprised. He's nearly a year younger than most of his peers and yet he's top in reading and doing really well in Maths. UNMEDICATED. So what will he gain from medication apart from possible horrible side effects and emotional problems? Am I anaesthetizing him whilst allowing him to be over-stimulated at home?

• this is what made me wobble... I agree with every word until it comes to the ADHD stuff and then I'm scared.

• The building work is nearly done but this is the worse bit - painting, meaning we have to be out all the time and the house stinks. Dust and debris everywhere....

• I just feel overwhelmed. First day back at school after half term and I see all the Mums with their school photo stuff, their school trip permission slips, their dinner money, clean PE kit...I don't even know where half that stuff is in our chaotic house......

• The boys are shredding my nerves - especially Toby - he's alternating between angelic and demonic and I can't keep up. He's really disobedient. He undid his seatbelt and was jumping around in the back of the car this afternoon. And Oscar isn't much better. I keep watching Jamie's 30 minute meals and thinking how awful I am for feeding my children on sausage rolls and fish fingers as that's all Toby will eat at the moment and I can't keep cooking separate meals for everyone. I just feel like I'm crap at everything at the moment. Crap mother, crap friend, crap housekeeper, and I hate the word CRAP!

• Mum and Dad are away and I miss my daily phone calls with Mum......(but got to webcam with her from Singapore which was cool.....)

• I'm tired all the time and seem to have a permanent headache...that might be the diabetes but I feel shit.

It's not all crap bad. We had a lovely halloween party here on Saturday - I cooked chili for the first time ever and I didn't taste it (I hate chili) but everyone said it was yummy. And on the plus side my sister is being amazing and supportive - spoiling me rotten from afar and giving me excellent advice. Other friends are being lovely too.

I know I shouldn't bitch and moan - so many others have it SO much harder.....I'm usually such a fucking optimist but I'm worn down to the ground at the moment.

I have to look up and look forward. I just feel like my nose is dragging on the pavement, I'm fed up of pain and fed up of tired.

Splarge.

Ignore me. I've got it out of my system now......see what happens when you aren't allowed to eat an enormous bar of Dairy Milk anymore?