warning....rant ahead.....

I don't know where else to write this....my first post of 2010 and all and I'm so angry and frustrated so I have to pour it out somewhere....hello cyberspace.....I've also finally managed to STOP facebook automatically importing my notes into it for general consumption - I'm writing this more to get it out of my head and I know not that many people read me here....

In November, at a parents evening, Oscar's teacher blithely mentioned that the school special needs teacher wanted me to get Oscar referred for testing. She wouldn't say what. Refused point blank to be drawn on what it was the school was thinking. I know Oz is no angel but up to this point I put it down to the fact he's a boy, he's the youngest in the year and he's quite energetic.

We went home and started looking things up online - I was thinking dyspraxia - a quick hunt through symptoms disregarded that. We looked at Aspergers - some things fit but a lot didnt - then we found a list of ADHD symptoms. He ticked almost every box.

It was a total headfuck if I'm honest. I didn't take it well. It took me a while to get my head around it all as I didn't want to think of my boy as "special". And I didn't really talk about it online much. But I came to terms with it and it was all fine.

We duly went to our GP and asked for a referral. I've heard NOTHING since. The school has implemented a couple of things with Oz - giving him some fine motor skill support and giving him an extra session with a learning co-ordinator and some other kids on social skills - Oz doesn't make friends easily because his behaviour is so ANNOYING to other children - he has no impulse control and is really bad at understanding personal space. I've also seen him with a small ball when he's sat on the carpet at home time - he calls it a fiddlebot and its to stop him bothering other kids - he used to touch them or poke them or just fidget in their space so this is to help him stop that.

His reading is great, his numeracy is great but his writing isn't fab - like a lot of boys his age.

I thought he was improving. But no - again today his teacher asked for a word. Now it's going home time - there's a stream of kids coming out of the classroom, I have Toby with me on reins going a bit nuts, I have Oz running round geeing his brother up - I can hardly concentrate. And she goes on to say "just to catch up" that his behaviour hasn't improved at all, that he can't follow instruction, that he doesn't participate fully, that he's still doing lots of innapropriate things and on and on. Of course I'm only half listening as I've got both boys behaving appallingly and I'm supposed to listen to her AND supervise my kids?

I'm so angry now about it. Both times this teacher has mentioned this have been totally inappropriate. A ten minute parents evening. On the doorstep of the class at pick up time. I mean what the hell does she want me to say? Or do? I'm totally lost as to what I'm supposed to do now. I've chased the referral. I've sent three emails asking for some guidance as to paying for a private testing diagnosis - can't find anything and have had no response.

At home he isn't that bad! He dithers a lot, takes forever to put his shoes on, but he doesn't drool inappropriately (which is a biggy at school supposedly) or invade anyone else's space (apart from Toby's but then Toby reciprocates - they're brothers and they wrestle!).

I just feel like she tells me all this shit and expects me to take Oz home, somehow fix him and then return a perfect child to school. I'm at the point of tears in frustration at all this.

I've just written a two page letter to her, expressing my frustration (without the swearing) and asking her to, in future, contact me or arrange a meeting when I don't have either a ten minute time limit or two children to supervise at the same time. I've also asked her what her expectations are.

But I'm just so frustrated and I feel like a totally inadequate parent.

On the other hand - Toby - I also feel like a crap parent because he isn't potty trained. I'm getting increased pressure from his preschool (understandably I suppose) who today decided on their own initiative to put him in pants. He promptly did an enormous poo. So I have a shitty pair of trousers to deal with - they threw the pants away. He's not ready. He has no bowel control. He does pee if you sit him on the toilet but he has never asked to go to the toilet and has no concept of wet and dry. He doesn't like potties or toilets and he says he wants to wear a nappy. But preschool are shoving him forward and do I have a choice? Or do I just get the washing.

I just feel helpless, powerless and absolutely shit. And I don't know what to do. Even typing this seems pretty pointless. Oh fuck it.