Being a stay at home Mum

I've been finding it quite tough recently - Toby is really difficult - tantrums, moaning and such dangerous behaviour that I can't take my eyes off him for a minute. He spits his drinks out all over the floor and all down his clothes. He throws things. He breaks things. He climbs everything. Uproots my plants in the garden and eats dirt....he's exhausting.

Oz isn't too bad - he's 4 and being a 4 year old - wanting constant attention, pretending to be a unicorn or a dragon, wanting me to watch him playing on the computer - it's never-ending at the moment and I'm finding it hard.

I was talking to a good friend Lisa this morning - yesterday was awful - Toby had a 40 minute tantrum once he woke up from his late afternoon sleep and wouldn't eat - My Mum was here - she's often told me how bad I was as a toddler - it's what inspired my Guardian article - but she even admitted yesterday that Toby was worse than I was which is quite an achievement!

This morning I was going to go to playgroup with Toby but I'm just exhausted. So I had a cup of tea and a chat with Lisa and we both realised that it's different for us mums who stay at home full time and don't work at all. She's raised three children and also does childminding work so she kind of works but it's not the same as someone leaving the home every day and earning a wage outside.

I had a crisis recently of worrying that I never felt guilty enough leaving my children (I know -crazy isn't it - feeling guilty for NOT feeling guilty). Both my boys have been in creches since they were tiny. I need some time to myself. And it's only a couple of hours a week when I swim or have a coffee in peace. But also my trip to the States - I didn't miss them at all for that week - I revelled in rediscovering myself. And yet I've been hearing from a lot of other mothers how awful they're feeling as their children start school. How much they'll miss them. Or if they put them in a creche for an hour how guilty they feel. But the majority of them work at least part time - so they feel more guilty for having some of their off-work and therefore child time on their own.

I'm not explaining it very well. It isn't really important. I just cut myself some slack this morning thanks to Lisa and a good chat. It's a hard time at the moment. Toby is pushing me to my limits. But I'll hang in there.

As a full time mum you sometimes don't feel you achieve anything in the day apart from the mundanity of housework and stuff. When you work you have status, a job title, promotion possibilities and other responsibilities. I have the boys. And the house. And I even have a cleaner so I'm not the best housewife in the world.....And my achievement will be two wonderful young men one day - and I have to remind myself of that.

I'm just saying, I suppose, that it's a bloody hard job being a full time mother. I know it's just as hard being a working one. It's just hard being a parent! You never really understand that until you're there do you. So anyone reading this who hasn't got kids - ENJOY YOURSELF NOW!!! Go on holiday! Go for a spa break! Go buy yourself an iPod with your wages (I really really want a purple iPod Nano btw that's why). Cherish your freedoms.

All of this is a rant isn't it - I do love my kids - I'm just a bit fed up.......

On a lighter note - I've discovered Booksmart at www.blurb.com - you can "slurp" your blog into a book and have it printed off. So I'm currently formatting it and going through the archives of this site - I've got so many entries it's quite an achievement. My memory is so bad it's like re-living Oscar's babyhood and I'm realising I also moaned a lot during that period too (I had it so easy then and didn't really know...just like life really). So in a year or so I'll look back at this post and think - BLIMEY! And smile.