I have this dilemma. Been wondering whether to post about it but it's doing my head in. It's about Toby and his "routine" or lack of one. I have this insane feeling that I should be doing better at this - that I'm not parenting him properly. It's wierd. I often have this feeling -it's why I've never really done anything outrageous or illegal - like I'm being watched or have this internal policeman telling me to do things right and properly. I've always had it but never really talked about it before.
Oh I don't know how to explain it. Like my mother lives in my head - but my mother isn't critical or anything. Or like I'm back at school and terrified of getting into trouble - I was never in trouble at school....I am such a conformist.....it's so hard to put into words this dread of being wrong or bad at something. Which makes me sound like a perfectionist and I don't think I am....It's like I don't have any confidence in my own decisions. I know I come across as all confident and everything and it's actually hard to admit that I'm feeling like this -even to myself - but I'm doing my own head in!
I've been making roads to try and get Toby in a routine. But I can't always stick to it - some days he cries so much that a feed is the only thing that calms him, even if I fed him 90 minutes ago. I almost expect someone to jump out from behind the sofa and shout at me to stop it if I do feed him. Sometimes I can't remember how long ago I fed him and then I worry I'm feeding him too much. He's a big boy and though I keep telling myself you can't overfeed a breastfed baby, I don't believe myself.
At night I am endeavouring to make sure I leave 3 hours between feeds - he sleeps usually from 7.45 till between 12 and 1, then wakes up around 3ish, but then he'll often wake every hour until 7 after that. I rock him, give him the dummy, wind him, swing him, do every bloody thing I can think of, but then I worry his cries will wake Oscar so I end up feeding him. And feeling guilty.
I usually take him into my bed around 6.30 and feed him until he falls asleep. And then I can too. But again, the little militia in my head says "shouldn't sleep with baby".
I'm quite a laid back mum. I always thought I trusted my instincts. But I keep feeling like I'm doing it all wrong and that I'll be in trouble....God knows what kind of trouble - it's like feeling like a naughty schoolkid.....
I don't know why I'm doing this to myself.....I can't remember when I tried to get Oscar into a pattern - it didn't matter as much with only one child. But now it would make my life easier if they were both on a similar pattern - if Toby slept at lunchtime etc. Or if I could predict his daytime routine - ie when he'd be asleep. I've tried keeping him awake when he sleeps -especially near bedtime - but how do you keep a baby awake?
It doesn't help that the only other mum I've talked to about this is a Gina Ford devotee and had her second child on a routine by 6 weeks.
I want to just relax about it and let Toby find his own routine. But I have this dread in my stomach that I'm messing it all up......
Does any of this make sense?
6 comments:
Hey honey pie - here are some mantras for you - you are a wonderful mummy you know!
The most important thing you can give a child is the knowledge that he/she is loved - no matter what.
There is no right way or wrong way - just different opinions, so do what feels easiest/right to you - trust your own intuition - if it doesn't work out try something else.
You will always, always make mistakes as a parent - there is no way you can get everything right - just do your best and let go of the rest.
The best gift you can give your child is relaxed, happy parents!!! Give yourself a break.
The only other thing I would say is that at one time or another most babies just cry, sometimes for no reason, and sometimes you just have to let them, it doesn't make you a bad parent - Oscar will get used to it too!
I love you lots honey xx P
Sal. I think what you are saying makes sense. I know when I only had Jack, I just did whatever, yeah we tried to get into some kind of routine but I'm not a routine kind of person and if I wanted to go out and see friends one day, I didn't want to be stuck to a routine but when we had Lou, I did try to get into a routine so that they did kind of the same stuff at the same time when she was a couple of months old because life was manic but it just made life even more manic and me more neurotic. In the end they kind of worked their own little routine and both would sleep at the same time in the afternoon which was bliss but I think it took til she was 4 or 5 months old.
I think that when you have second child, they have to be more flexible than the first was and that they work around the bigger ones routine so like I used to go to playgroup on a Tuesday morning and tea time was at x time and bathtime was whenever so they joined in with that routine.
It took me a while to accept that life wouldn't be the same for Lou as it was for Jack, having all of my attention and doing what she wanted when she wanted but when I accepted that and just went with the flow, life seemed easier....now I am feeling guilty that I get all this time with Lou while jack is in pre-school and school next year so I am guessing that a Mummy can't ever win!!
Is that just a wafflely ramble and not at all helpful? Hope not.Take care of yourself and your boys, you are doing a fab job and the mummy police are not about to pounce on you from behind the sofa ;)
Nicxxx
Is there a right and a wrong? Personally I don't think so...you have to do what's good for YOU. You are not forcing Toby to feed in the night nor in the day for that matter, he wouldn't do it if he didn't want to. Arlo sometimes seems to feed all day long, that's just how breastfed babies are I think. I honestly don't believe you can overfeed a breastfed baby.
I feed Arlo in bed (I did with all the others too), I just make sure he doesn't have the duvet over him so that he won't overheat. You don't drink or take drugs do you?! Then you should be fine.
I've never really done routines when they are teeny. I am a go with the flow kind of mum. But you must do what you are comfortable with. No one can tell you how to be a mum and you are NOT messing it up. No way Jose.
Aww Sally you are a FAB mummy!! I too beleive that b'fed babies crave feeding more often, my 2 seemed to be permanently attatched, and I agree with what Nic said, if you try to get them into a routine, then it's you that ends up getting more and more wound up. Just go with the flow hun, your boys are happy and healthy, and that's all that matters. Give yourself a break and stop beating yourself up over it. You're doing just fine. Big hugs, Ess.x
Wow Sal - I could've written that post. I am a bit of a stressy mum I think but have been a bit more laid back about Zach. I do know what you mean about feeling that you're doing things wrong and that there'll be consequences. Zach is now 4 months old and only really recently have we established a routine for him. Am amazed your friend could sort something out for her lo at 6 weeks - Zach was all over the place at that point. We've only recently started giving the poor little blighter regular baths. The pattern/routine just emerged somehow and we've had to tweak it to fit around Nic's routine. As for sleeps during the day - I've really struggled with this sometimes - I don't 'read' my child v. well at times but again, a pattern has emerged just by me taking a bit of notice. You sound like you're doing wonderfully so just go with the flow a bit and am sure you'll get to the place you want to be. Until then, tell the voices in your head to shut up!
I'm trying to remember, but I don't think I even got A in bed for a nap until he was about 12 weeks - I certainly don't think he particularly lay in his baby gym/mat much at Toby's age. The *trouble* is, we forget the worries of these times, and only remember the nice things (and of course, that isn't a trouble, it's nature's way of making sure the human race doesn't die out!) - and because once you establish your routine, whatever it might be, you think it's been like that forever. So, Oscar seems like he's been in the sleep at lunchtime routine always, when really, I doubt he was at the very beginning, you just don't remember, because he has been doing it for over 2 years. I think that you are doing a great job, and I admire you from the bottom of my heart. Toby must feel very loved, and you are doing a terrific job with the booby-juice. Keep up the good work, and try not to be too hard on yourself (easier said than done, I know!!)
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