You know that saying...

"what is the world coming to?". That's bandied around - I've said it so many times over trivial crap. I keep wanting someone to explain it to me.

I've been watching the news as I said earlier. And I was just reading the BBC news website and I'm moved to tears. Death, murder, destruction. A thousand people killed by fear in Iraq - running to get away from a nonexistant suicide bomber. A woman and her two children (9 months old and 5 years old)who jumped to their deaths in front of a train in London - an apparent suicide. A baby who died in a fire with his mother tied up next to him - she watched him suffocate before being rescued. A young mother stabbed to death with her 2 year old son next to her. A drunk man who died because he let his 7 year old son drive his car at 70mph down the motorway - how will that boy ever cope with that?

Sometimes I understand why people don't want to bring a child into a world like this. On a night like this all I want to do is run into Oscar's bed room, scoop him out of his cot and hide under the bed with him until it all goes away.

Human beings frighten me sometimes. How can we do such horrendous things to eachother? Not only do we cope with natural disasters like the Tsunami or Katrina. We also face more peril from our own species.

I don't know how to express it. I'm sad and scared and frightened by my world this evening.

I keep trying to sing "Wonderful World" to myself in my head but I can't stop thinking about all this death......and so much of it involving children. Is it hitting me harder now because I am a mother? I feel everything so much stronger now I understand the bond between parent and child. I don't understand it all. How could a woman throw herself and her babies in front of a train? How could a man let his own son drive a car? How could you ever recover from watching your own baby die in front of you when you're powerless and helpless? How many children and families have died in America? In Iraq? Anywhere?

It's at times like this I almost wish I did have a faith in God to help me understand this, though I must say, I find it even harder to imagine that belief in a higher being that would allow all this to happen.

Rambling now....I'm just shocked to my core by what I'm reading and hearing today....

Hurricane Katrina

I can't believe the devastation this natural disaster has wrought on the Gulf Coast. I have a lot of friends from Louisiana including one from New Orleans who has just given birth to a baby daughter (on the 23rd August) but has now been evacuated. She and her elder child are with her parents in Natchitoches but she wasn't really supposed to be travelling so soon after the birth. She's separated from her husband who is in Jackson with his work.

I was watching the news this evening and the pictures are horribly reminiscent of the Tsunami. I can't believe 80% of New Orleans is underwater. I can't imagine what the people are going through.

Please - if you can spare any money, go to http://www.redcross.org/ or http://www.secondharvest.org/ and send something to help these people. They have no water, no food and it's 91 degrees.

Send what you can. Pray if that's your faith. Send love and white light.

My thoughts are with all the people affected.

Hoorah for the RSPCA

I just rang them to report a goose I saw at Dulwich Park who I think had been attacked by a fox. It also had something wrong with it's wings. Their helpline was wonderful - very good person on the end of the phone who reassured me and told me they would be down to the park to check it out. I wish I could afford to donate some money to them - and next time I can I will - so please - if you love animals - give some money to the RSPCA

In other news...we have a bank holiday weekend here in the UK and that usually means rain rain rain...but lo - this weekend has been gloriously sunny. Yesterday we went to Gambado and let Rob experience the madness - Oz had great fun - and we just got back from Dulwich Park where we fed the geese (especially the poorly one), had egg and chips for lunch and Oscar played on the slides and swings. This afternoon is tidy up and laze in the garden....

We're off on holiday next week to Looe in Cornwall. Really looking forward to it. We need a break. I'll take lots of pics and tell you all about it when I get back.

I really miss my cleaner. How middle class am I - she's been on holiday for 3 weeks and my house is suffering. I have been doing some, but I'm so bad at housework....I must earn enough money to keep her...

Just selling some boots on Ebay that I bought from Torrid in America - and I don't know if I should worry about this but it seems only men are bidding. Either trannies or drag queens. They aren't especially kinky boots - just brown mid-calf heels - with a nice corset style lace up the back - and they're designed for wide feet and wide calves....

Maybe I just have drag queen/tranny taste in clothing.......

Happy Birthday Oscar

Yes - he's one year old. I can't bloody believe it - it's gone so quickly...seems like yesterday I was pregnant. But today has been brilliant.

We spent the morning at Gambado and then the afternoon with my mum. Oz has been in a brilliant mood all day - smiling and laughing at everything.

Such a milestone - I feel like I should write something profound....but I can't think of anything - my day has been full of my little boy's laughs and hugs (he's very huggy at the moment).

I'm so happy. He's so happy. Rob is so happy. We're a happy little family.

Happy birthday to Oscar.

OMIGOD. I just quit my job

In April I started some part time work from home for another department at the University - organising a massive conference for August 2006.

I originally thought I could do it with Oscar around (how wrong I was!) but as he's got older and bolder, I can't do it. So I've been working in nap times, evenings and weekends but I know I'm not doing a great job. And my boss has no concept of how hard it is and is giving me deadlines with 2 days notice and asking me to do stuff that I think is above and beyond my job description.

I had a nursery place - Oz was due to start tomorrow - but they insist on a minimum of 2 days a week and even with the amount of work I have to do, I can't earn enough to cover that - I could do one day a week but no where will take him for a single day.

I've been getting more and more upset and worried and couldn't see a way out....it's wierd - since becoming a mother I'm getting really bad at doing what is right for ME as a person. It's like I keep thinking that not only Oscar's needs are more important but that everyone's are. I've been really bad at making decisions of any kind - I find myself agreeing to things I don't really want to do just to please others... I've always been indecisive but it's got worse this year....

So after a long and brilliant chat with Rob and my mother, I've decided the best thing for everyone - but most of all me - is to quit. Now if I can just earn £25 a week I can keep my cleaner.....I'm going to sell my soul on Ebay!

Missing you already

Kirsti flew back to America on Friday and Oscar and I miss her a lot. She was amazing while she was here - Oz really bonded with her - I think he'll miss being chased around the house on all 4's the most.....

I feel quite flat today - I'm worrying about work and money and stuff. Oscar starts his settling in at the nursery next week and I'm not sure about it at all. I've got to have a long hard think....may have to give up working part time and pull him out of nursery as I'm not sure I'll earn enough to break even, let alone make any money - and is it worth missing out on time with him for no money? And a job I like but don't love? Time for thinking this weekend.....

So....not much to say really....hopefully I'll be chirpier next time!

Oscar's reaction to his first ever white chocolate button 

Tagged by Zoe

And I've been crap and only just noticed....so here we go...sing along with me...."three....is a magic number"

Three names I go by:
1. Sal
2. Mamamamam (oscar's call)
3. Oi you....

Three screen names I’ve had:
1. Teensy Wannabe
2. sally_re
3. Ozmum

Three physical things I like about myself:
1. My hair
2. My eyes
3. I used to like my boobs but now they're babychewed...

Three physical things I don’t like about myself:
1. My fat
2. My chin hair
3. My boobs (See above)

Three parts of my heritage:
1. Polish
2. Jewish
3. British

Three things I am wearing right now:
1. Sparkly black vest
2. Wedding ring
3. Heart necklace - and that's it - no underwear! I'm going to bed in a mo...

Three favorite bands/musical artists :
1. Enya (and I'm not embarrased to admit it - chill out music)
2. Keane
3. Maroon 5

Three favorite songs: (today at least)
1. Bad Day - Daniel Powter
2. Accentuate the postive - Bing Crosby and Andrews Sisters (always cheers me up)
3. Wonderful Baby - Don McLean (Oscar's theme song)

Three things I want in a relationship:
1. Love
2. Laughter
3. Loyalty

Two truths and a lie
1. I know Prince Charles
2. I have held an Oscar (not the child...the award)
3. I've been naked on screen

Three physical things about the preferred sex that appeal to you:
1. Height
2. Eyes
3. Smile

Three favorite hobbies: erm....hobbies? I don't have any!
1. Reading
2. Sleeping (it feels like a hobby - I'd like to do more)
3. Eating sushi

Three things I want to do badly right now :
1. Stop surfing the internet but I'm an addict
2. Have a ciggie but I don't smoke any more
3. Go look at my son but I don't want to wake him up

Three things that scare me:
1. Losing someone I love
2. Spiders
3. Looking out of the window when it's dark (hang up from watching Salem's Lot when a child)

Three of my everyday essentials:
1. Tea
2. Trashy magazines or TV (for at least 5 minutes)
3. A laugh

Three Careers you have considered or are considering :
1. Teaching (came close but didn't follow through)
2. Theatrical Agent (I'd be good at it but would find it frustrating not being the actor)
3. Psychologist (but I'd never get the qualification)

Three places you want to go on vacation:
1. Heron Island on the barrier reef
2. Maldives
3. San Francisco

Three kids’ names you like:
1. Abigail
2. Rowan
3. Dolly (can you tell I want a girl next time)

Three things you want to do before you die:
1. Jump out of a plane - preferably with a parachute on
2. Get a decent acting job in a wonderful film
3. Get in a size 14

Three ways I am stereotypically a boy:
1, 2 and 3. I'm really not at all like a boy. I don't drink much, I hate sport, I'm not a pub person...I don't even shout at the TV!


Three ways I am stereotypically a girl:
1. I gossip
2. I own shoes I never wear cos they hurt but I love them anyway
3. I love handbags

Three celeb crushes :
1. Josh Lucas
2. That bloke off Lost who used to be in Party of Five
3. Tom Cruise

Three people I am tagging:
1. Kirsti
2. Jodi
3. Nic

Go girls!

hee hee!

The amazing jumper that Kirsti knitted 

Lydia and Jaya (future wives) 

Playing together 

Showing Jaya his book 

The food Kirsti made 

The cake my Mum made 

Oscar's birthday party - part 2

One of his many presents plus a hat knitted by Kirsti!

So the party...I invited LOTS of people and most of them turned up! About 25 people - and about 10 babies I think....plus a couple of older kids. And it RAINED!!! GRRRRR....luckily we had cleared the extension and dining room but it was a tight squeeze for everyone and quite hot and stuffy.

Again, thanks to my amazing sister Kirsti, the food was fantastic - she did all the prep and kept the hot food coming. We had beer and sangria for the grown ups and juice for the little uns. Hot dogs, pizza and garlic bread for everyone (oscar's favourite foods at the moment)plus hummous, taramosolata (sp?), olives and chips and stuff. I had to dash off at one point to pick up a guest who'd got lost on the way...

Oscar was a trooper - smiling and happy. He had his own cake which he demolished. He got so many amazing presents - I'm blown away by the generosity of our friends - some of whom had travelled from Guildford to be there (by the way, Jemma - if you're reading this - sorry I didn't cater very well for Stu and Jaya's wheat intolerance - I only realised today and felt very guilty).

The last guest left at 6.30 when Oz got ready for bed. He slept like a log despite a sugar overdose. The only blot on the day was his appalling nappy rash - he's red raw down there due to teething - his 4 top front teeth are all coming through at once poor mite.

It was an amazing day - his first ever party. I meant to video it and forgot which is annoying but my friends took some great snaps so I have a wonderful record of the day. And I'll always remember it.

Recap...BB Final

Right...so Friday - I was sick all day but my lovely sister looked after me so by the afternoon, thanks to immodium and ibuprofen, I was good to go - drove to Elstree and met Marcus, Julie and their daughter Rea outside the studios - got to drive in past the paparazzi (who weren't at all interested in my beat up white volvo)

Got my pass and we walked up to the Studio where BB is filmed. Saw Dermot filming BBLB and stood behind him as he interviewed the friends and family - and stood next to Derek who is surprisingly short....and very posh.

Then we had a drink at the bar before joining the crowd for the first part. Davina was up on stage doing a better job than the warm up man - chatting away -she's brilliant on and off camera. It's a lot smaller than it looks on TV - not that many people. We were right opposite the door to the house at the edges of the crowd.

Then the show started. Kinga out first - bless her - she got some boos but you have to credit her because she's unashamedly herself. She's also tiny. The ex-housemates came out then and paraded about -they love the attention. We were also next to where they were sat on a raised gantry - the crowd were pushing their banners up for them to autograph and they were so happy about it - especially Mary. The security and the warm up guy asked them to stop signing as it was distracting from the main event but they kept going. Science came to the edge and was loving the attention - a couple of girls passed him notes and stuff....then he was made to sit down. I saw a lot of Saskia's arse - she had a very short skirt on and I was underneath - not pleasant....Sam also flashed a lot of flesh - she's very pretty in the flesh but quite sneaky looking all the same.

Then Mekosi came out after a short break (we went to the bar again!). She got savaged. We were stood right next to a gang of very camp Kemal wannabes who were screaming "burn the witch"....very bizarre......we couldn't hear her being interviewed. I felt very sorry for her actually.

Then Eugene - then Anthony - much as it was on the telly! The fireworks were amazing. The atmosphere was great. I can understand why Marcus doesn't go each year because apart from seeing them with your own eyes, you get a better and more comfortable view from your sofa. But it was amazing. I saw quite a few celebs - Sarah Cawood, Duncan from Blue....and of course the housemates.

Marcus and Julie stayed on to the after-party but I went home as I had my own party the next day....

Oscar's birthday party - part 1

Oscar eating his first birthday cake...

Just a quickie as I'm exhausted. Oscar had his first birthday party today (a bit early as his birthday is the 24th but I wanted my sister to be there). As you can see from the above picture, he really enjoyed the cake part.

We had an amazing day - so many people came and I'm so grateful. But I have to publicly say how AMAZING my sister is - I couldn't have got through the last two days without her. She cleaned my house, she looked after me on Friday when I was sick so I could sleep long enough to be well enough to go to the Big Brother final (more on that later Ty). Today she helped set up the party - did ALL the cooking. Was generally an absolute angel.

I couldn't ask for a better sister and Oscar has the best aunt in the world.

So for you K - I owe you so much. Your heart is so big. You are wonderful and I thank you.

More party stuff tomorrow when I've recovered....thanks to everyone who came and made it such a memorable day for all of us - we'll never forget it!

Questions for Ty

Go read Ty's blog - he's living and working in Japan at the moment - I've always wanted to go to Japan and stupidly didn't take the opportunity when one of my best friends was living there (Hi Simon, I know you read this) - he's back in the UK now with his Japanese wife (Hi Yuki!) So I'm very jealous of Ty living in the land that invented sushi....

Here are your questions Ty - I'm sorry they aren't that exciting but I've been up since 6am (Thanks Oscar)

What do you miss most about your home?

What’s the craziest thing that’s happened to you since you’ve been in Japan?

Who or what has been the biggest inspiration to you?

If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live and in what sort of house?

What would you do/say to Craig if you had 10 minutes alone with him?

Questions for Jodipodi

To my lovely lovely chum Jodi.....here you go

1. If you could transplant your head and personality on to anyone’s body, whose would you pick and why?

2. Have you ever had any paranormal experiences? If so, tell me the weirdest one.

3. Where do you see your boys being in 16 years time? Do you have ambitions for them? (I picked 16 years cos then they’ll both be nearly adults)

4. If you could have a holiday where money was no object, what would be your dream destination and itinerary?

5. What’s the most romantic thing that has ever happened to you?

Not the most exciting of questions but my brain isn't working today.....

Incredibly overdue questions from Zoe

The lovely Zoe agreed to interview me (at my request) and I have been so rubbish, I didn't spot her questions until today so apologies to Zoe - and here we go:

Here's how it works:
1. If you want to participate, leave a comment below saying "interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions -- each person's will be different.
3. You will update your journal/blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

So here are Zoe's questions and my answers....

1. You have the opportunity to appear in any production (film, theatre, tv, whatever) and play any role. What would the production be, what part would you play and who would be your co-stars?

I've ALWAYS wanted to play Lady Macbeth. I think I'd give it a whole "mother figure" twist....It's my ambition to play at the National Theatre so let's put the show on there....now co-stars...hmmmmm Who would be a good Macbeth....that's a toughie. Johnny Depp perhaps? That would be unusual....I'd like Duncan to be played by Judi Dench in drag as it's my dream to work with her!

2. If you could choose any food in the world to be calorie/Points free what would it be?

Oh that's easy -chocolate!!! Wouldn't that be wonderful....

3. If you could give Oscar the perfect 1st birthday party, with money and practicality no object, what would it be?

I think I'd fly him and all his friends to Disneyland in Florida - even though he's too young to appreciate it, I'd love it! But if I'm being unselfish, I'd get an amazing soft play area and hire the whole thing, have hundreds of helium balloons - he loves those - and a cake in the shape of Oscar the Grouch. And champagne and melted chocolate fountains (with no calories) and sushi for the grown ups. And massages for the Mummies.

4. Do you have any regrets in your life? Is there a role for regrets or do you subscribe to the Robbie Williams' philosophy "they don't work"?

It's my main ambition in life to never regret anything. I try and learn from everything and see it all as meant to be - I never wanted to look back at my life and say "if only". And so far that's how I've lived. So yes, Robbie - you're a nutter but you're right on that count

5. What is the best thing that you can imagine overhearing someone say about you behind your back?

I would say it used to be - wow, she's a great actor. But now I'd like it to be "what a great mum she is"....

How my life has changed.

THANK YOU ZOE - for such wonderful thoughtful questions.

Yawn....and not from a mad night out either

Had a lovely birthday - thank you for the lovely comments. Rob bought me a stunning crystal heart from Swarovski on a leather thong so Oz can tug on it all he likes. Got lots of cards, some money and vouchers so I'm off on a spending spree....

My friend Julie and her daughter Mya came round and we had lunch at Miso (a noodle bar) in Bromley - lovely lovely.

Then Rob took me to Strada for dinner - he'd booked it himself and it was lovely - garlic bread, prawns, fiorentina pizza. We were going to have dessert there but they'd run out of vanilla ice cream and crepes so we stopped at Sainsbury on the way home, bought a proper birthday cake and had that when we got home.

All lovely then.

Liz had babysat - not a peep out of Oscar......until she left - ten minutes later he woke up but went back to sleep no problem.

1am - he woke up. And he stayed awake. He'd settle and then just as you got back into bed, he'd start up again. We changed his nappy. Gave him a drink. Cuddled him. Rocked him. Ignored him. Gave him Calpol. He went back to sleep at 3.15.

He woke up again at 6.15.

So I'm KNACKERED today......I managed to get about half an hour's sleep when he went back to sleep this morning. But I'm a zombie. I remember many years ago, the day after a birthday was always a sleepy day....but at least it was self-inflicted....

I can't WAIT till Kirsti gets here - she'll be an angel and take over and let me sleep.......look out K - you're going to be spending a LOT of time with your nephew!