Some recent pics of the boys and the family....

Smiley Oscar....ain't he sweet

My big boy in his skinny jeans...5 going on 15....

Future career as a contortionist? Who pulls funny faces?

Rob being silly...as usual....

My current favourite Toby face...

Kirsti tucking into a 99....very English....it was bloody cold though!

Rob and I at the Princess Vic..I look a bit drunk but I wasn't! I was driving - just dozy....

My fave pic of K and I - at Sapporo, our favourite place to be!

Toby pulling a funny face

Oscar on the iconic gorilla at Crystal Palace Park

Catchin up

Well hello blogosphere. I've been neglecting you as usual. So here's a quick catch up. Kirsti went home and I was heartbroken but not as heartbroken as the boys. They LOVE their Auntie! Hopefully she'll come back over the summer. She made half term into heaven which is a rarity in my world! So thank you sis. You're amazing.

I've been waiting for weeks to hear if I was going to be cast in a theatre tour - 15 weeks of around the country touring in a fantastic comedy. They still haven't told me either way - the director wants me, the producer wants someone else who has more telly credits. But I decided today that I can't accept it, even if they offer it to me - they start rehearsals in 2 weeks and I just can't uproot my life with that short notice. Gutted though!

Bright Star is out on DVD by the way - I am in it (for about 10 seconds) but it is also a beautiful film so go and hire/buy it and enjoy!

Had a parents meeting at Oscar's school last week and one at Toby's this morning. Oscar is getting there- he was awarded the Headteacher's Award last week and was Special Person in his class this week. We've started the assessment process to see if he has ADHD or anything and I'm trying to remember (with help from good friends) not to immediately assume he has got a diagnosable condition - he might just be an energetic young boy in Year One when children a week younger than him are still playing in Reception. I'm open to anything and glad that the process has started.

Toby is being angelic at school (I know! One of my boys?) and they're really impressed with his imagination and vocabulary and love of books. Hoorah! His behaviour is SO much better since he turned 3. He still has his moments but generally the threat of time out is enough to turn him round. Gone are the days of 40 minute tantrums in public (thank God). He still has his moments though -especially with his brother. One minute they're sharing and playing beautifully, then next they're drawing blood. But I think this is normal......

I'm quite tired at the moment. Work is stressful and upsetting due to staff illness, I'm spreading myself all over with Governors and PTA at School....I need a holiday! One plus side of not getting the Tour means I'll definitely be going over the pond again for my annual week off from motherhood - hopefully in August - Rob has (foolishly?) decided he'd like to have single parent control of the boys in school holidays. I personally think he's bonkers but he'd rather not do the school run and just have less structure to the days. Idea of bliss for me - a week off in the summer hols and the chance of some sunshine in Detroit.....though is that a good thing?

I'm listening to loads of music at the moment - using it as a de-stresser.....though am worryingly obsessed with the Boyzone song "Gave it all away"...in my defence it was written by Mika which is probably why I love it....

Ok Toby is pretending to be an alien hamster - I need to supervise........

Will try and post more often (yeah right....)

The BEST CAKE IN THE WORLD!!!

Kirsti is here from America and it's bliss.....she's helping with the kids...she's enabling Rob and I to have a night out (Yo Sushi followed by phenomenal stand up at the Comedy Store as guests of Rufus Hound)....and best of all she just made me gooey butter cake. When I went to see the wonderful Poppymom last year, she introduced me to the St Louis speciality which is gooey butter cake. We went to a cafe that serves about 100 different kinds (sorry Pops, can't remember its name) and I brought a piece back for Kirsti and Terry.....and created a monster!

Kirsti found a recipe, has been making it ever since and brought the ingredients to make it with her in the suitcase.....

Because I'm lovely...I'll share it with you - it's been Anglicised but you need yellow cake mix - and not sure you can get that in the UK but it's worth trying to!!

Cake
1 (18.25-ounce) box yellow cake mix
1 egg
4oz (112.5g) butter, melted

Filling
1 8-oz (225g) package cream cheese, softened
2 eggs
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
1 16-oz (450g) box icing sugar
4oz (112.5g) butter, melted

Preheat oven to 350 degrees (180 degrees or gas mark 4). Lightly grease a 13x9x2-inch baking pan.
In a mixing bowl, combine cake mix, egg, and butter and mix well. Pat into the bottom of prepared pan and set aside. Using an electric mixer, beat cream cheese until smooth; add eggs and vanilla. Dump in icing sugar and beat well. Reduce speed of mixer and slowly pour in butter. Mix well.
Pour filling onto cake mixture and spread evenly. Bake for 40 to 50 minutes. Don't be afraid to make a judgment call on the cooking time, because oven temperatures can vary. You want the center to be a little gooey, so don't bake it past that point!

Remove from oven and allow to cool completely. Cut into squares. Just remember that these wonderful little cakes are very, very rich, and a little will go a long way!

She's right. It is rich....but we ate that chunk quite easily - couldn't even wait to take a picture.....it's sooooo delicious and I'll probably have to go to the gym for a month to work off the calories......

...and breathe.....

Ok some people still read my blog here -and I'm grateful for sympathy received and phone calls too! I've calmed down a bit now and I'm not so premenstrual either!!!

School is (hopefully) dealing with it - the Head has spoken to me and been lovely - have yet to hear from Oscar's teacher but that's probably because she daren't talk to me on the doorstep again!

So now what.....

On a positive note my lovely Sis will be here on the 12th Feb and at the moment that's the big carrot dangling in front of my face! Can't wait to see her....and to have another pair of hands with the boys over half term.....

My arthritic ankle isn't too bad this week which is good....

Searching for the positives....

Rob is stressed to hell at work which sucks cos he withdraws into his man cave and I barely see him....which sucks....but on a positive we're off for a night away while Kirsti is here so that is something to look forward to - a night in a hotel with no computers or tv - just each other.

Erm.....Toby and Oscar have started swimming lessons - Oz got promoted from Level 1 to Level 2 on his first class - Toby will have to stay in preschool lessons till he's 5 so he can't get promoted - but as the youngest in his group, he's holding his own (when he isn't completely ignoring the teacher and splashing around). Both of them love the water - just need to hone their technique! Oz is like I was when I was a kid - swims underwater with ease but has problems keeping afloat!

I'm trying to find a cheap holiday for us this summer and not getting very far - so anyone who is reading this and can recommend something - I don't mind venturing abroad this year - please point me in the right direction - I've looked at too many websites and find it all completely confusing.....

Ok - Toby is asleep (miracle of miracles) so i'm going to sit with a cup of tea.....

As the lovely Tracy reminded me in the height of my school stress "you're fine. I'm fine, Oscar's fine. It's all fine". Wise wise woman.....

warning....rant ahead.....

I don't know where else to write this....my first post of 2010 and all and I'm so angry and frustrated so I have to pour it out somewhere....hello cyberspace.....I've also finally managed to STOP facebook automatically importing my notes into it for general consumption - I'm writing this more to get it out of my head and I know not that many people read me here....

In November, at a parents evening, Oscar's teacher blithely mentioned that the school special needs teacher wanted me to get Oscar referred for testing. She wouldn't say what. Refused point blank to be drawn on what it was the school was thinking. I know Oz is no angel but up to this point I put it down to the fact he's a boy, he's the youngest in the year and he's quite energetic.

We went home and started looking things up online - I was thinking dyspraxia - a quick hunt through symptoms disregarded that. We looked at Aspergers - some things fit but a lot didnt - then we found a list of ADHD symptoms. He ticked almost every box.

It was a total headfuck if I'm honest. I didn't take it well. It took me a while to get my head around it all as I didn't want to think of my boy as "special". And I didn't really talk about it online much. But I came to terms with it and it was all fine.

We duly went to our GP and asked for a referral. I've heard NOTHING since. The school has implemented a couple of things with Oz - giving him some fine motor skill support and giving him an extra session with a learning co-ordinator and some other kids on social skills - Oz doesn't make friends easily because his behaviour is so ANNOYING to other children - he has no impulse control and is really bad at understanding personal space. I've also seen him with a small ball when he's sat on the carpet at home time - he calls it a fiddlebot and its to stop him bothering other kids - he used to touch them or poke them or just fidget in their space so this is to help him stop that.

His reading is great, his numeracy is great but his writing isn't fab - like a lot of boys his age.

I thought he was improving. But no - again today his teacher asked for a word. Now it's going home time - there's a stream of kids coming out of the classroom, I have Toby with me on reins going a bit nuts, I have Oz running round geeing his brother up - I can hardly concentrate. And she goes on to say "just to catch up" that his behaviour hasn't improved at all, that he can't follow instruction, that he doesn't participate fully, that he's still doing lots of innapropriate things and on and on. Of course I'm only half listening as I've got both boys behaving appallingly and I'm supposed to listen to her AND supervise my kids?

I'm so angry now about it. Both times this teacher has mentioned this have been totally inappropriate. A ten minute parents evening. On the doorstep of the class at pick up time. I mean what the hell does she want me to say? Or do? I'm totally lost as to what I'm supposed to do now. I've chased the referral. I've sent three emails asking for some guidance as to paying for a private testing diagnosis - can't find anything and have had no response.

At home he isn't that bad! He dithers a lot, takes forever to put his shoes on, but he doesn't drool inappropriately (which is a biggy at school supposedly) or invade anyone else's space (apart from Toby's but then Toby reciprocates - they're brothers and they wrestle!).

I just feel like she tells me all this shit and expects me to take Oz home, somehow fix him and then return a perfect child to school. I'm at the point of tears in frustration at all this.

I've just written a two page letter to her, expressing my frustration (without the swearing) and asking her to, in future, contact me or arrange a meeting when I don't have either a ten minute time limit or two children to supervise at the same time. I've also asked her what her expectations are.

But I'm just so frustrated and I feel like a totally inadequate parent.

On the other hand - Toby - I also feel like a crap parent because he isn't potty trained. I'm getting increased pressure from his preschool (understandably I suppose) who today decided on their own initiative to put him in pants. He promptly did an enormous poo. So I have a shitty pair of trousers to deal with - they threw the pants away. He's not ready. He has no bowel control. He does pee if you sit him on the toilet but he has never asked to go to the toilet and has no concept of wet and dry. He doesn't like potties or toilets and he says he wants to wear a nappy. But preschool are shoving him forward and do I have a choice? Or do I just get the washing.

I just feel helpless, powerless and absolutely shit. And I don't know what to do. Even typing this seems pretty pointless. Oh fuck it.